My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
