saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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