his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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