she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
