you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
