you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize