last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
