My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
