I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
