he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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