So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize