Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
