She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
being pregnant is like rehab
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
