My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
