its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
