did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
