I think I won the penis lottery.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
