i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
