Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
