Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
