Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
