Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
dude i'm inner monologue high
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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