you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
