dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
