i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I just cut my nipple shaving
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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