btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
