my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
and i looked up. we had an audience...
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
