you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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