Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
