just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
