I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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