and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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