Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
