Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
