new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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