i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
