I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
