Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
