John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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