I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
