dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize