i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize