i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
