Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
