so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Randomize