All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
