Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
