So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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