New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
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