I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize