and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Blood and glitter go together right?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
