Even water is tasting like jack daniels
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
