i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
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