just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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