Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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