My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
