I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
