I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
