No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
