I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
