im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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