if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Randomize
